Saturday, October 15

vulnerability like you've never known

Thursday was rough.
Actually rough doesn't even do the day justice.
Baby LL had his four month shots on Wednesday and judging by how the rest of the afternoon went, I thought we had dodged a bullet and were in the clear.
When he got his two month shots the rest of the day was pretty bad. 
Baby LL and I laid in bed, while her nursed, for hours.
But the next day he was a-okay.
This time around he did wonderfully the day of the dreaded shots.
He only let out one cry during the shots and was quickly pacified when I picked him up immediately afterward.
The rest of the day passed and the only difference from any other day was that he napped a little more.
So this mama did a premature victory dance.
And taunted those vaccinations with a, "TAKE THAT!!".
BIG mistake.
Thursday started off okay, but it quickly went downhill.
I was supposed to work on Thursday morning, but left halfway through my shift because it was pretty evident that all I was going to be doing was try and pacify my cranky baby.
On the way home, he fell asleep, so I ran by the grocery store.
He stayed asleep through my quick jaunt in and out and didn't wake up until we walked in our front door.
That's when the proverbial sh!t hit the fan.
He went through major periods all day where he couldn't be pacified.
I gave up on trying to get anything done in the late morning/early afternoon.
Every time I thought he was calming down, something would set him off.
Talk about a bad mama day.
We're supposed to have all of the answers.
We're supposed to know how to calm down a screaming baby.
We're supposed to have the magic touch.
Well, I didn't have any of those things and that made me feel like a complete failure as a mom.
Rationally I know that me feeling that way is absurd.
I know that I'm a good mom and I care about my babies SO VERY MUCH.
But I am human.
And I don't have all of the answers.
And sometimes I have an off day, when I don't feel good and I'm cranky and no one can make me feel better.
So why do I expect that my kiddos won't go through the same thing?
And why do I blame myself for that? kids are the most important things in my life.
 Because....they own me heart and soul.
Because....when they hurt, I hurt. Emotionally and physically.
Because....I want to protect them from EVERY single bad thing out there.
Because....their joy is my joy. There is nothing like seeing your kiddos belly laugh. life is completely entwined with these little beings. 
And has been since I first heard their heartbeats and felt their little kicks in my tummy.
I have come to realize that this feeling will most likely NEVER go away.
Even as they grow up and become independent, I will always want to save them, but I won't always be able to.
And I really don't think that I'll ever be okay with that.
Why don't they tell you in parenting classes/books that becoming a parent makes you vulnerable in ways you can't even imagine until you're there?

Oh, and by the way, so far we've had a MUCH better and calmer Friday....


  1. Yes, the vulnerability. Never knew it would be so great and that anyone could have that kind of power over me. Sometimes it scares me. But what you receive in those moments like the belly laughs you mentioned are so amazing that it makes it all worth it. I don't know of anything like having kids.

  2. I agree. Even though parenthood makes me feel incredibly vulnerable and worrisome, the love I have for our kiddos makes all of the hard times worthwhile. :)


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