routine

Tomorrow starts "real life" for us as a family again.

Kid A goes back to school and Baby LL and I go back to work (the hubs started back at work yesterday).

With that comes the need to get back into a routine.

When Kid A started school in August, I had a nighttime routine down pat.

After about two months, I started relaxing bit by bit in the routine, and (of course) over the Christmas holidays that routine completely flew out the window.

I've also noticed that over the past few months Baby LL's attitude and sleep ability has really deteriorated, could there be a correlation??

No matter what, I know that having a routine with these kiddos brings at least me some peace and comfort.

I know that everything gets done, nothing gets overlooked.

And selfishly, I know that at a certain point each night, I'll have some quiet time to read or watch tv or craft.

Lately Baby LL's sleeping has been so screwed up.

He wants to be held and he wants to be nursing.

He wants to sleep in my bed and if I'm actually able to put him in his own bed, he only sleeps for 1 1/2 hours, TOPS.

This is the same kid who used to sleep a 6-8 hour stretch, followed by a 3-4 hour stretch EVERY NIGHT.

And with this erratic sleep pattern, his days can be less than pleasant.

Baby is tired. Mama is tired.

I have to keep in mind that he probably won't just jump back in to an incredible sleep habit, it will probably be rough for a few nights, but hopefully getting back into a nightly routine will help us get back there.

As a mom, all I want to do is make my babies happy.

So when Baby LL gets fussy I hold him; I nurse him; I do whatever I can to keep a smile on his face and tears out of his eyes.

Obviously this hasn't completely worked out, as he spends a good amount of time each day fussing, whether I'm holding him or not.

And simple tasks such as doing my hair, folding laundry or cooking dinner have become frustrating for me because I have to do them with a baby screaming.

Time to toughen up, mama.

Hopefully since his crib is now set up (yay, baby nook!!) and his sleeping space is now bigger and comfier, he will start staying asleep longer.

I know that when he learns to self soothe and is sleeping longer stretches and more soundly, we will both be FAR happier.

I just have to be strong enough to get us to that point.

And I have to realize that it's not going to happen overnight.

So, routine, my old love, we're coming back to you.

vulnerability like you've never known

Thursday was rough.

Actually rough doesn't even do the day justice.

Baby LL had his four month shots on Wednesday and judging by how the rest of the afternoon went, I thought we had dodged a bullet and were in the clear.

When he got his two month shots the rest of the day was pretty bad. 

Baby LL and I laid in bed, while her nursed, for hours.

But the next day he was a-okay.

This time around he did wonderfully the day of the dreaded shots.

He only let out one cry during the shots and was quickly pacified when I picked him up immediately afterward.

The rest of the day passed and the only difference from any other day was that he napped a little more.

So this mama did a premature victory dance.

And taunted those vaccinations with a, "TAKE THAT!!".

BIG mistake.

Thursday started off okay, but it quickly went downhill.

I was supposed to work on Thursday morning, but left halfway through my shift because it was pretty evident that all I was going to be doing was try and pacify my cranky baby.

On the way home, he fell asleep, so I ran by the grocery store.

He stayed asleep through my quick jaunt in and out and didn't wake up until we walked in our front door.

That's when the proverbial sh!t hit the fan.

He went through major periods all day where he couldn't be pacified.

I gave up on trying to get anything done in the late morning/early afternoon.

Every time I thought he was calming down, something would set him off.

Talk about a bad mama day.

We're supposed to have all of the answers.

We're supposed to know how to calm down a screaming baby.

We're supposed to have the magic touch.

Right?!

Well, I didn't have any of those things and that made me feel like a complete failure as a mom.

Rationally I know that me feeling that way is absurd.

I know that I'm a good mom and I care about my babies SO VERY MUCH.

But I am human.

And I don't have all of the answers.

And sometimes I have an off day, when I don't feel good and I'm cranky and no one can make me feel better.

So why do I expect that my kiddos won't go through the same thing?

And why do I blame myself for that?

Because....my kids are the most important things in my life.

 Because....they own me heart and soul.

Because....when they hurt, I hurt. Emotionally and physically.

Because....I want to protect them from EVERY single bad thing out there.

Because....their joy is my joy. There is nothing like seeing your kiddos belly laugh.

Because....my life is completely entwined with these little beings. 

And has been since I first heard their heartbeats and felt their little kicks in my tummy.

I have come to realize that this feeling will most likely NEVER go away.

Even as they grow up and become independent, I will always want to save them, but I won't always be able to.

And I really don't think that I'll ever be okay with that.

Why don't they tell you in parenting classes/books that becoming a parent makes you vulnerable in ways you can't even imagine until you're there?

Oh, and by the way, so far we've had a MUCH better and calmer Friday....

a father and his children

I just walked into my bedroom to see how the hubs was doing with Baby L
(he was in there giving him a bottle).
Instead of finding my two guys wide awake, I found them sound asleep.
On the same pillow, facing each other.
It was really, so very sweet.



One of my favorite things in the whole world is to watch my husband with our children.
For someone who was "not a kid person", he sure loves those kids with his whole being.
You can just see the love emanating from him when he's interacting with them.
And it makes me all teary eyed.
I love knowing that I made the right choice for who I would spend the rest of my life with,
and in turn, have children with.

5 things i did today

1. Painted my nails and toenails.

2. Changed an explosive diaper. Yuck.

3. Finished a book.

4. Gave both kiddos a bath.

5. Vacuumed.


What did you do today?

it goes so fast

My baby girl started Kindergarten yesterday.
Wasn't it just the other day that I was itching to get out of my hospital bed to go to the NICU to hold my 7 weeks premature girl? Didn't she just amaze me by rolling over; sitting up; crawling; walking? It seems like I was just beaming with joy when A said her first word, which was Gordy, the name of our dog at the time. Was it seriously 4 1/2 years ago that I finally let go enough to move her to her own bedroom? And now, that brown eyed beauty is officially in elementary school? How can this be? I know that in the blink of an eye things are going to change again. She'll want to have a slumber party with her friends. School dances and boys are going to be in the forefront of her mind at one point. I know I will cry the day that she gets her driver's license and takes off down the road for the first time. One day she is going to have a job and be independent of both myself and her dad. She will move out and be on her own in the world (although, she did tell me that I can visit her whenever I want). There will come a day when I try to hold it together while her daddy is walking her down the aisle towards the man of her dreams.
And one day she'll understand just how much I love, cherish and adore her, when she holds her own babies in her arms.

on parenting

Being a parent is HARD. There are so many trying times. Frustration is a feeling that you feel on almost a daily basis. The smallest thing, be it the way your child reacts to something, or the way you react can make you second guess yourself as a good parent. Other people, whether they are parents or not, seem to think that in order for you to be a good and effective parent, your child has to act a certain way, eat certain things, be smarter than other kids their age, etc., etc. Also, you as the parent must react accordingly. Never raise your voice. Don't spank. Speak soothingly. Yada, yada, yada.

I had a moment today where I just wanted to bury my head in my pillow and scream until I was hoarse. My 5 year old did something that just plain made me mad. Not frustrated, or annoyed, but MAD. Without going into specific detail, there was an accident that happened, that wasn't really an "accident". I happened to be nursing my 11 week old during said "accident", which was probably a good thing, because it caused me to make sure I kept my cool even that much more. And, of course, the rest of the day I've had to keep my frustration in check because everything the 5 year old does today is getting on my nerves. This, in turn, makes me feel like a failure as a parent. I know, logically, that I'm not, but the feeling is still there, bubbling under the surface. Aren't us moms supposed to be perfect? Aren't we supposed to be ever understanding of our child's behavior? Aren't we supposed to want to be around our children every second of every day? Plain and simple the answer to all of those questions is NO! We are human. And, to be frank, our kids can be little monsters sometimes, no matter how "good" we are at this whole parenting thing.

Now, before you all label me as a Negative Nelly, let me say that there is a whole other side of being a parent as well. There are so many moments that make your heart swell with so much love and joy that you think it's going to burst. My kids are truly the most important things in my life. I love them so incredibly much! There is nothing like looking into the face of your giggling child. And nothing breaks your heart more than looking into the eyes of your child when they are sad. From the giggles to the belly laughs to the snuggles to the pure adoration and love that come from your child. There is really nothing better. And, if I have to take a few frustrating, pull your hair out kind of days along the way, I'm more than willing. Bring it on! Because being a parent is the best thing in the world.

If this post seems to be a rambling one, then I apologize. I just wrote was I was thinking at the moment.

life savers - baby edition

As much as I would like to claim that I am not a materialistic person, there are just some things that make life easier. Life savers, if you will. And who doesn't like hearing about a product or service that could impact their life or someone else's in a positive way. So, I give you Life Savers, a feature that will pop up from time to time, whenever I come across something that I feel has, in some way, improved my quality of life.

These days, with a new little one in the house, most of my life saving products can be found on the baby aisle. It really amazes me how much a few items can impact the ease and happiness of life. So far, in the first 7 weeks of Baby L's life, the following goodies have helped this tired new mama out.

1. Fisher Price Aquarium Cradle Swing


This swing is the same one we used for A when she was a baby, 5 years ago. She loved it so much that my mom went out and bought one for her house too. It has the normal swinging position, plus a side to side cradle swinging position. It also has a cute fish mobile, plus a color changing dome. You can utilize either one alone or both of them together. It also comes equipped with 6 speeds and 4 different sounds, 1 musical and 3 nature. I don't think they sell this exact model anymore, but I have seen a similar one in stores.

Baby L loves this thing! He, like lots of newborns, does not like to sleep in his bassinet, so he does just about all of his napping/nighttime sleeping in the swing. The rocking in addition to the coziness of the swing helps him drift right off into a sound slumber. Also, as he is becoming more aware of his surroundings, it is too cute when the mobile or light catches his eye.

2. WubbaNub Pacifier



At first glance this pacifier/plushie combo might look a bit odd, but let me tell you, it is WONDERFUL!
First things first. Some babies will take whatever kind of pacifier you stick in their mouths. Others, like Baby L, are a bit more on the snobbish side and prefer a specific type. I have tried several different brands/nipple types and the only one Baby L will take is the Soothie brand. This is the kind they supplied in the hospital, so maybe that has something to do with it. But luckily for me the Soothie pacifier is the one that comes attached to the WubbaNub. I had actually received the WubbaNub as a gift, but didn't use it until we lost the hospital pacifier and no other pacifier would soothe the little fellow. That is when I finally saw the genius in this product. You lay the plushie part on the child's chest while they suck on the pacifier, that way when the pacifier gets spit out (which it does time and time again), it goes nowhere. No more lost pacis or pacis on the floor. It just stays put and a lot of times baby can just find it again themselves. My favorite part though is watching Baby L hold on to and snuggle the plush part while he's sucking, soothing and sleeping.
The WubbaNub comes in a variety of different animals. The one we have is the froggie, but I will totally be buying more in the future.
I definitely recommend this as a baby shower gift.

3. Levana ClearVu Digital Video Baby Monitor



This monitor is awesome. It has both audio and visual capabilities. You can use either one on it's own or you can use them together. The small camera comes with a wall mount or you can just sit it on a shelf. It's also equipped with a color changing night light and night vision, so that you can keep an eye on your little one even in the dark. With a full charge the portable monitor will last up to 4 hours. Also, you can add up to 3 additional cameras to the system, so as your family expands you can still use the monitor.
Personally, I think every parent should invest in a video monitor.

What are some "life saving" products that you would recommend (baby or not)?